Here Is the Funniest Horoscope You Will Ever Read about Your Zodiac Sign!

Pisces

Piscean women wear great amounts of unusual silver jewelry and long floaty dresses. Everywhere these people go, comedy and laughter ensue. Although they like the stars, the Big Dipper is actually the only constellation they are able to find. In case they can’t find it, they cry. Pisceans don’t have any sense of direction. They may die by getting run over by a truck or falling out of a window. They are perpetually endangered as well as zoned, so that they may bring out the maternal instincts of Leos. Pisceans are actually proud to tell others that Albert Einstein, George Washington, Galileo, and Michelangelo were Pisceans. Don’t try to use logic with a Pisces because they are living about 3 feet off of the natural ground. They cry over dead animals in the road but do not feel any remorse about mowing down people they do not like. They say that they want “honest criticism” of their work. But, in case you say you do not like it, they may commit hara-kiri on the floor.

Aquarius

They love a party. They are nostalgic about the 1960s as that was the last time they could be naked in public as well as get away with it. They enjoy being naked. It’s even better in case they are crocked and naked. Aquarians have consumed about 97 percent of the Night Train consumed in the past 3 decades. They can allow themselves each possible vice in the world without thinking twice about it. That’s why they often piss others off. They are the only people in the zodiac that are able to play volleyball with themselves. They often use the phrase “Dude, man…” to describe philosophical concepts. They also have out-of-body experiences every day. They are fun since they channel people. In case you are talking to an Aquarian and they zone out, that conversation is actually hopeless. They are talking to the guy 3 feet away from you. Moreover, they like astronomy since they have been to all those places. In case you want to discover what the food is like on Saturn, simply ask an Aquarius.

Capricorn

They are dull as hell, hardworking, and reliable. They are nitpicky and tight-assed, as well as keep their egos in the backyard. They are usually on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur. Almost all politicians are Capricorns. That’s why the U.S. is always in the hole. Almost all people arrested for counterfeiting are actually Capricorns. In addition, these people are like a strange cross between a Virgo and a Leo. They believe that this makes them both logical and charismatic. In case of nuclear war, only Capricorns and cockroaches would find a way to survive. Capricorns learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents purchase them books of law, so that they can underline the loopholes. They own plenty of Filofaxes and other tools to organize the lives they don’t have. They want to be seen talking on their cell phones. Furthermore, their phones are turned off since they do not have any friends to call.

Sagittarius

These people love adventures. Additionally, they enjoy walking to the bathroom at night with the lights out. They want to smash spiders with their bare hands. They also enjoy entertaining their family, friends, and even strangers. This usually includes transvesticism. Most Sagittarians were born into the wrong gender. They often have nicknames such as Vomitus Maximus or Thunderpooper. Small kids and animals actually love Sagittarians. But, adults hate them. They make great circus freaks as well as vagrants. When describing philosophical concepts they use interpretive dance. Sagittarians asks questions in the middle of church. Their trademark is bumper stickers and buttons with rude sayings on them. Thanksgiving is actually the holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius. This is appropriate because everyone eats until they are sick and passes out while many huge inflatable things and cross-dressers walk down the streets of the most Sagittarian town on the planet, i.e., New York.

Scorpio

In order to find out if a person is a Scorpio, simply ask them a pertinent question. 5 minutes of silence later, they will answer “I am sorry, what?” These people got into computers early, so that they could use bulls**t terminology and made-up. Almost all hackers are Scorpios. They take their paranoid beatnik approach to life seriously. Their grudge is about being the victim of a government conspiracy or never having been abducted by aliens. The fully-automated barracks they live in need to clear up any doubt. Their master plan for world domination won’t work since it involves them at the helm. Also, they are hairy and think that it makes them more virile. It is particularly true of Scorpio women. That’s not all, they have strong sex drives, as it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. When describing philosophical concepts they use expletives. It is no surprise that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range.

Libra

They are not able to make a decision of their own and are bipolar as hell. They are malleable and trendy people. They eat plenty of ethnic food from cultures they do not actually understand. Libras do not eat fast food. They worry about what others think. When describing philosophical concepts, they use quotes from David Mamet plays. They have others tie their expensive shoes. They are on the cutting edge of what the others think is absolute pretentious bulls**t. What’s more, they have many collections of CDs they haven’t listened to. They give to designer charities. They are the reason parachute pants and butterfly hairpins have made a comeback. Get them as drunk as possible and they will explain the difference between café au lait and café latté. It is peculiar because we know that there isn’t any difference at all.

Virgo

They do not see the world in shades of white and black. They actually see it in shades of dirty and clean. They color-coordinate the clothes in their closet and regulate their breathing. They clean every square inch of anything they own 2 times a day with a toothbrush. In fact, everything has its own place. They elaborate charts and use pointers to describe philosophical concepts. Virgos can be freaked out very easily. Simply tell a Virgo that they have something between their teeth and watch them scrub at the imaginary thing. Being locked up in an elevator with a naked Aquarius would be hell for Virgos. They have trouble coping when they notice there is something under their fridge. They are cool as they will do the laundry for others. They separate everything by fabric and color until it consists of 14 loads of 3 things apiece. Next, they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by manufacturer’s name. They may also open and shut the refrigerator door, trying to trick the light inside.

Leo

They grab attention whenever possible. Leos often interrupt conversation to say something. Additionally, they do not want to marry since anyone isn’t good enough for them. Leos are constantly looking for physical affection; unluckily, they cannot find any as others think they are irritating punks. They want parades on their birthdays. Some of them decide to be homosexual even in case they are not, since they believe this can give them shock value. Moreover, they are considered to resemble lions, meaning that they are loud, as well as have slimy noses and cleft upper lips. They are afraid of humility. They want to start a fight with Aries. They may bloody and stomp each other even if they are in public. These fights often take place at fashion shows, sporting events, bars, etc.

Cancer

They want to know what is going on in other people’s lives. They only get dressed since they have to. Moreover, fashion sense may be described as “erratic.” They are more likely than any other zodiac sign (except Pisces that don’t iron) to iron their clothes by sleeping with them sandwiched between the box-spring and mattress. They can stay at home for months at a time. Regardless of their need to be other people’s savior, they don’t need any social interaction. Cancerians are born with an extraordinary talent for cross-stitch. They don’t excel in sports as they have to rest for 15 minutes every time they breathe. They plan to conduct their career from the comfort of their own bed. When describing philosophical concepts they coin their words. In case they think others are screwing them, they are probably right. Furthermore, the most interesting thing about it is that they like it. Cancerians wield their power through the fact that they are aware what anyone is thinking at any given time. That’s why they are not often invited to parties.

Gemini

Everyone loves them since everyone loves a schizophrenic. They are outgoing and progressive. They drive funny cars. Sometimes, they drive them into buildings or trees. Also, they are overbearing and pushy. Geminis pick fights with moon people and small kids at weddings. They want to use Libras as punching bags. They vandalize their own houses. A bisexual Gemini is actually a walking double date. Other Geminis are hermaphrodites. When describing philosophical concepts they use far-fetched analogies. They are usually on some type of medication, which isn’t always legal. They often speak loudly in order to be heard. However, they always talk to themselves. Geminis usually pick animated arguments with themselves in the bathtub. They are often abidextrous, meaning that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time.

Taurus

These people are brooding emotion incarnate. This means that one minute they are up, whereas the next they are down. They are earthy, meaning that they do not shower as often as others. This may also mean that they want to roll around with their nose in clover and sigh. They enjoy watching happy movies in which everyone is having fun and jolly. They try to psychoanalyze their friends. However they don’t have any real experience with life in general. They mumble to describe philosophical concepts. They are strange birds as they hold grudges about things, which never happened. They often answer each question with a question. They also love conflict. They get upset with billboards and fight with waiters. Some Taureans particularly like bar fights. In case they cannot get into a real bar fight, they may make up interesting stories about them that they can tell their friends before they psychoanalyze them. They are also pushy and impatient. They are in a hurry to get to the nowhere that they want to go to.

Aries

Aries have smug expressions and ramlike eyebrows. Moreover, they shouldn’t be so smug since they are continually clunking themselves in the skull. They don’t say one thing and do another. When they do the wrong thing they do not discuss it. They love Pisceans since Pisces people can make them feel grounded. Whether they live in a cardboard tepee or a palatial estate, they think that it is exactly what they always wanted. They use guns to describe philosophical concepts. They make life decisions as a toddler. They marry a few times for funnies but never divorce. Their partners have freak accidents leading to crippling injury or death. They usually hold management positions. Others run away when an Aries comes around. They are aware that if they don’t, the Aries may set them on fire. These people do not want to listen to Scorpios talk since they take pride in being even more self-centered.

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